aur meri bhee tabeeyat kucchh Theek naheen rahtii

Film : Mere Apne

Year of release : 1971

Spoken by : Biloki Prasad (Asit Sen)

Spoken to : Audience at political meeting

Dialogue writer : Gulzar

It is election time and the two rival candidates are Biloki Prasad and Anokhe Lal (Mehmood). The former is assisted by Shyam (Vinod Khanna) and the latter by Chhainoo (Shatrughan Sinha). Asit Sen, who is normally parodied by most mimicry artistes for his peculiar style of dialogue delivery and his girth, is also a very good actor with excellent comic timing. See this film (or rather this scene), for evidence  of that. So in this political meeting, our great politician starts speaking. And what does he say,

"bhaiyo aur behno desh ke bahut bure din aa gaye hain"

"भाईओ और बहनो, देश के बहुत बुरे दिन आ गए हैं"

"aaj hamaare beech panDit jee naheen hain ...neta ji naheen hain...gandhiji naheen hain..."

"आज हमारे बीच पंडित जी नहीं हैं...नेता जी नहीं हैं...गान्धी जी नहीं हैं..."

Then he takes a pause for effect and delivers the punch line. 

"aur meri bhee tabeeyat kucchh Theek naheen rahtii"

"और मेरी भी तबीयत कुछ ठीक नहीं रहती"

Asit Sen's delivery of this line has made this line walk into this blog. Otherwise I generally avoid joke punchlines. 

This is also a famous technique used in sales - called equation by association. If one goes to buy a TV,  the shopkeeper will say something like...

Sir this is Sony TV. Costs 20k. This is Panasonic. Costs 19.5k. And this is Pappu TV. This costs 16k. 

wanted honaa unwanted hone se hameshaa achchhaa hotaa hai

Film : Kala Dhandha Goray Log

Year of release : 1986

Spoken by : Raja (Sanjay Khan)

Spoken to : Durgadas Jethia (Anupam Kher)

Dialogue writer : Dr. Rahi Masoom Raza

This was  Sanjay Khan's last film as an actor, before he decided to move to television and spas. Of course, I keep mentioning this fact, his real name is Abbas Khan and the screen name he was given was Sanjay (not Sanjay Khan). It was only in these later films that the screen titles started calling him Sanjay Khan. 

Durgadas is a mafia don. He is meeting Raja for the first time. When he meets Raja, he says,

"tumse milne ka baDaa shauq thaa. dekhanaa chaahataa thaa wo aadmii kaisaa hai jiskaa naam police aur customs dono.n kee wanted list me.n sabase oopar hai"

And since this is Sanjay Khan's introduction shot in the film and he also happens to be the producer, he gave himself a great line. 

"wanted honaa, unwanted hone se hameshaa achchhaa hotaa hai durgaadas."

"वॉंटिड होना, अनवॉंटिड होने से हमेशा अच्छा होता है दुर्गादास" 

muhabbat aur maut me.n yahii hotaa hai

Film : Nagin

Year of release : 1976

Spoken by : Nagin in the form of Rajkumari (Mumtaz)

Spoken to : Raj (Feroz Khan)

Dialogue writer : Inder Raj Anand

This was advertised as Mumtaz's last film (even the credit titles say so). And she did disappear after this film before reappearing almost 2 decades later in Aandhiyaan. The ichchhaadhaarii naag and naagin (serpents who can assume any form at will) are blessed with the ability to capture the image of their partner's killer in their eyes and do not rest till they eliminate them. So Reena Roy captures the image of these poor hunks in her mind, and eliminates them one by one. 

Her second last target is Raj. She assumes the form of a girl who could end up being Raj's wife. Although Raj is paranoid by now, having lost so many friends, the naagin still manages to trick him into believing that she is Rajkumari. She plants a poisonous kiss on Raj's lips. As his vision clouds, he tells her,

"tumhaaraa chehraa dhundhlaa dhundhlaa saa..."

She says

"tumhaarii aankho.n ke chiraaG zaraa dheeme paD gaye hai.n"

He has not yet realised, that he has been poisoned. He asks,

"kyo.n?"

She replies,

"muhabbat aur maut me.n yahii hotaa hai"

"मुहब्बत और मौत में यही होता है"

Death and love cloud the vision. Fantastic line.

Bhauchaal kee jab aamad aamad hotee hai, to sab se pehle kutto.n ke kaan khaDe hote hai.n

Film : Raaj Tilak

Year of release : 1984

Spoken by : Samad Khan (Raj Kumar)

Spoken to : Bhavaani Singh (Ajit)

Dialogue writer : Inder Raj Anand

This is a typical Raj Kumar Kohli multi-starrer set in a kingdom and replete with typical intrigue and cloak and dagger stuff. Notable for the fact that his son Armaan Kohli makes an appearance as Saarika's younger brother. Funny I used the word notable.

Samad Khan is a loyal commander of the king, but Bhavaani Singh plots and tries to overthrow the king. When the coup fails, he puts the blame on Samad Khan and has him branded as a traitor. Years later, Samad Khan is in a position to get his own back. When he meets Bhavaani Singh, Bhavaani recognises the voice. He says

"tumhaaree aawaaz. tumhaaree soorat... samad... samad Khaan?"

"तुम्हारी आवाज़, तुम्हारी सूरत...समद...समद ख़ान?"

Samad responds with this line. I used to love this line as a kid. The beauty of this dialogue is the way Raj Kumar delivers it. He warns Bhavaani about his impending doom and brands him as a dog - because he has been able to identify the portents of his doom. Now read the line.

"achchhaa huaa jo toone mujhe pehchaan liyaa bhavaani. Bhauchaal kee jab aamad aamad hotee hai, to sab se pehle kutto.n ke kaan khaDe hote hai.n"

"अच्छा हुआ जो तूने मुझे पहचान लिया भवानी. भौचाल की जब आमद आमद होती है, तो सबसे पहले कुत्तों के कान खडे होते हैं."

भौंचाल or भौचाल is an acceptable alternative for the normally used word for earthquake - भूचाल. But this is the only place where I have heard it used thus.

doosre ko nahee.n uDne doongii

Film : Garm Havaa

Year of release : 1974

Spoken by : Amina (Gita later Gita Kak)

Spoken to : Shamshaad (Jalal Agha)

Dialogue writer : Kaifi Azmi

This was a brilliant film based on Ismat Chughtaii's short story. It is the story of a Muslim family which runs a shoe-making business in Agra circa 1948. Gradually all the relatives of Salim Mirza (Balraj Sahni) leave for Pakistan fearing discrimination in India. There are some very poignant scenes. During a family discussion where everyone is discussing a future in Pakistan; the youngest kid - 5 year old Munna asks a fantastic question

"abbaji pakistan me.n patang uDtee hai?"

For him all the other politico-religious questions were meaningless. Anyway, there were many such moments in this film. If you haven't seen it, do see it. 

Salim Mirza's daughter Amina is engaged to be married to her cousin Kazim. However,  Kazim too migrates to Pakistan. He does come back to take her away, but by then he is 'persona non grata' in India - because he is a Pakistani. He forgets to inform the local police station of his arrival and he is arrested and deported. He does not come back. 

Shamshaad is another local boy who is interested in Amina. But she is not interested in him. However, during one trip to the historical places around Agra, Shamshaad acts as a guide. He tries to put forth his suit repeatedly before Amina. But she spurns him. At a particular historical location, he stops and tells Amina a story of the Mughal Kingdom. The story goes like this -

"jaantee ho ek din, usee jagah par jahaan tum khaDee ho, Mehrunnisaa khaDee thee. 

aur yahaa.n. yahaa.n Saliim khaDaa thaa. uske dono.n haatho.n me.n kabootar the.

itne me.n jahaanpanaah ne Saliim ko yaad kiyaa. to Saliim ne dono.n kabootar uske haath me.n thamaa diye.

aur jab vo lauT ke aayaa...to usne dekhaa ki ek kabootar Gaayab thaa. to usne Mehrunnisa se poochhaa -

doosraa kabootar?

to Mehrunnisaa ne kahaa...vo to uD gayaa!

"जानती हो, एक दिन, उसी जगह पर जहां तुम खडी हो, मेहरुन्निसा खडी थी. और यहां, यहां सलीम खडा था. उसके दोनों हाथों में कबूतर थे. इतने में जहांपनाह ने सलीम को याद किया. तो सलीम ने दोनों कबूतर उसके हाथ में थमा दिये. और जब वो लौट कर आया...तो उसने देखा कि एक कबूतर ग़ायब था. तो उसने मेहरुन्निसा से पूछा - दूसरा कबूतर?

तो मेहरुन्निसा ने कहा...वो तो उड गया!

"Saliim ne poochhaa vo kaise? usne kahaa, aise..."

"सलीम ने पूछा वो कैसे? उसने कहा, ऐसे..."

And Shamshaad starts to make the gesture of releasing an imaginary pigeon. Right at that moment, Amina holds his hands and stops him from releasing the imaginary pigeon, and says,

"doosre ko nahee.n uDne doongee!"

"दूसरे को नहीं उडने दूंगी!" 

Few Hindi films have such parables included in them. 

iske maa baap tang aa chuke the

Film : Disha

Year of release : 1990

Spoken by : Soma Sarpat (Raghuvir Yadav)

Spoken to : Visitor (unknown)

Dialogue writer : Sai Paranjpe 

Karim Asif is considered a legend, though the only film he effectively made was Mughal-e-Aazam. Then why can't Sai Paranjpe be right on top of the list, just for Chashme Baddoor, Sparsh and Katha. Sometimes I don't understand the way our film critics work. Most people who talk about Mughal e Aazam haven't even seen the film (and don't understand half the dialogues), but yet it's a cult classic. Karim Asif is legendary. While it does help to have Dilip Kumar's kid sister as a wife, to be called legendary, but some categorisations are plain unfair. No, I have nothing against K Asif. I am a big fan myself (a look at this blog will tell you that). But Sai Paranjpe deserves more. I hope she gets it. 

The reason I wrote the earlier paragraph was to establish that Sai Paranjpe is underrated. And Disha is an underrated Sai Paranjpe film. 

A visitor comes to Soma's village. He comes to meet Soma. While he is waiting for him, he sees a few kids around. He asks them

"kyaa naam hai tum logo.n ke?"

The first one says 'Sharmila'. The second one says 'Jeetendra'. The third one says 'Amitabh' and the fourth and the youngest one says 'Kaddoo'. Yes you read that right. That's Hindi for pumpkin. A much loved and an equally hated vegetable. 

Surprised at this anti-climactic name, the visitor asks the kid, 

'Kaddoo kyo.n bhai?'

At that point Soma walks in and says by way of clarification, 

'jab tak ye paidaa huaa, iske maa baap tang aa chuke the'

'जब तक ये पैदा हुआ, इसके मां बाप तंग आ चुके थे'

This film is worth seeing just for this line. I haven't laughed more during a scene in my life. If you read between the lines, it is an amazing advertisement for family planning, delivered in an absolutely non-threatening way. If I was the Minister for Health and Social Welfare, I would use this scene as an ad, and use the tagline, 

'stop at Amitabh, before you land up with 'kaddoo''

As the ward boy in Munnabhai MBBS says - mai.n bhii soch rahaa hoo.n health minister ban jaaoo.n. 

Baandra ka bhaav bolo baap landan kaa nahee.n

Film : Jalwaa

Year of release : 1987

Spoken by : Inspector Kapil (in disguise)

Spoken to : Drug dealer

Dialogue writer : Kamalesh Pandey

There is a plethora of malls in and around Delhi now. In fact they are there all over India. Every luxury international brand is freely available in India now. However, most visitors end up not even window shopping at these shops (with the kind of names these shops have). The reason could be that they would have walked in to ask the price of an innocent looking hand bag with a name that sounds like सूई खींचों and would have been told that this 8x6 inch handbag costs 1.3 lac rupees. Their gut reaction would be what this character said 24 years ago. But these shops flourish because there are many in this country who don't mind paying that kind of money. But we'll let all that be. 

Kapil is an inspector who has vowed to rid Goa of its drug culture. Ostensibly, he failed or else we might not have seen the film Dum Maaro Dum this year. This film was inspired from the Eddie Murphy flick The Beverly Hills Cop and saw the arthouse Naseer crossover to commercial cinema after pumping some serious iron. 

Kapil goes to a drug dealer in disguise - as a handicapped old man. The dealer can't resist taking a shot at his age. He tells the dealer

"dekho saahab maskharii nahee.n. bhaav bolo bhaav bolo. "

The dealer says,

"ram kaa bees rupaye kvaarter. shyaam kaa das rupayaa."

Kapil acts surprised. And then comes up with this classic line, which you can use with the mall guys when they quote their rates. 

"brown sugar kaa das rupaya! are bandra ka bhaav bolo baap landan kaa nahee.n"

"ब्राउन शुगर का दस रुपया! अरे बान्द्रा का भाव बोलो बाप लन्दन का नहीं" 

If you are in Delhi, you can use Sadar Bazaar instead of Bandra.

The idea for this post is courtesy a friend who remembered this line, after he had to pay a reasonably heavy bill at a restaurant. I think he wanted to use this line with the waiter, but unfortunately he ended up leaving a tip on top of the billed amount. :)