Baandra ka bhaav bolo baap landan kaa nahee.n

Film : Jalwaa

Year of release : 1987

Spoken by : Inspector Kapil (in disguise)

Spoken to : Drug dealer

Dialogue writer : Kamalesh Pandey

There is a plethora of malls in and around Delhi now. In fact they are there all over India. Every luxury international brand is freely available in India now. However, most visitors end up not even window shopping at these shops (with the kind of names these shops have). The reason could be that they would have walked in to ask the price of an innocent looking hand bag with a name that sounds like सूई खींचों and would have been told that this 8x6 inch handbag costs 1.3 lac rupees. Their gut reaction would be what this character said 24 years ago. But these shops flourish because there are many in this country who don't mind paying that kind of money. But we'll let all that be. 

Kapil is an inspector who has vowed to rid Goa of its drug culture. Ostensibly, he failed or else we might not have seen the film Dum Maaro Dum this year. This film was inspired from the Eddie Murphy flick The Beverly Hills Cop and saw the arthouse Naseer crossover to commercial cinema after pumping some serious iron. 

Kapil goes to a drug dealer in disguise - as a handicapped old man. The dealer can't resist taking a shot at his age. He tells the dealer

"dekho saahab maskharii nahee.n. bhaav bolo bhaav bolo. "

The dealer says,

"ram kaa bees rupaye kvaarter. shyaam kaa das rupayaa."

Kapil acts surprised. And then comes up with this classic line, which you can use with the mall guys when they quote their rates. 

"brown sugar kaa das rupaya! are bandra ka bhaav bolo baap landan kaa nahee.n"

"ब्राउन शुगर का दस रुपया! अरे बान्द्रा का भाव बोलो बाप लन्दन का नहीं" 

If you are in Delhi, you can use Sadar Bazaar instead of Bandra.

The idea for this post is courtesy a friend who remembered this line, after he had to pay a reasonably heavy bill at a restaurant. I think he wanted to use this line with the waiter, but unfortunately he ended up leaving a tip on top of the billed amount. :)

kisme.n itnee himmat hai, ki har raat bechain rahe

Film : Bazaar

Year of release : 1982

Spoken by : Salim (Naseeruddin Shah)

Spoken to : Najma (Smita Patil)

Dialogue writer : Sagar Sarhadi

I featured this situation earlier in this post. So you might want to read that too. But this one can stand on its own too.

Salim is a poet and he has desired Najma for long. After six years as a silent platonic lover, he applies to the object of his affection for upgradation to version 2.0. Since he is a poet and hence given to hyperbole, he tells Najma that he hasn't slept throughout the six years as he has silently smouldered carrying her love in his heart. A couple of days later, Najma calls Salim at his workshop and asks him

"raat to achchhee kaTee naa?" (referring to his sleepless six years lament)

"रात तो अच्छी कटी ना? "

and Salim comes up with another gem

"kisme.n itnee himmat hai, ki har raat bechain rahe"

"किसमें इतनी हिम्मत है, कि हर रात बेचैन रहे"

Jab aag jalegii sab haath taapne dauDenge

Film : Junoon

Year of release : 1978

Spoken by : Sarfaraaz Khan (Naseeruddin Shah)

Spoken to : Hafeez Khan (Benjamin Gilani)

Dialogue writer : Prof Satyadev Dubey and Ismat Chugtai

The upcoming Vishal Bharadwaj film Saat Khoon Maaf reminded me of the earlier film that was based on  a Ruskin Bond novel - Junoon (Flight of the Pigeons). Wonder why I did not feature it on the blog earlier?

The background of the film is the 1857 revolt and the events that happened in and around Delhi. Sarfaraaz was part of the battalion of which Mangal Pandey was a part. He is constantly ranting about the 'firangees' and their atrocities. He is also on a sort of recruitment drive for soldiers as he believes the British rule India was about to come to an end.  Sarfaraaz tells  Hafeez Khan (Benjamin Gilani) that they should also join the revolt, Hafeez is unsure and looks up to his cousin Javed Khan (Shashi Kapoor) for direction. But Javed is not present at that moment. Hafeez says,

"ham to aapke saath hai.n...agar Javed bhai...."

Sarfaraaz interrupts him and says,

"Hafeez, jab aag jalegii sab haath taapne dauDenge...Jaaved bhaai bhi..."

"हफ़ीज़, जब आग जलेगी, सब हाथ तापने दौड़ेंगे...जावेद भाई भी..." 

referring to the inevitability of the revolt spreading throughout the country. So true. On the eve of the 62nd Republic Day, I think about all those who literally lit that fire, because as Sarfaraaz said, there is no shortage of people to bask in the warmth of a fire which is already lit. The ones who actually light the fire are rare...As my boss used to say, 

"Many talk, few do"

So spare a thought for those who light such fires. And if you want to know what happens to them in the end (in case you haven't already guessed it) watch this movie. On second thoughts, do watch out for a fire that is lit. Much more simpler to run towards it...

kaii baar ke liye ek baar zaroorii hai

Film : Bazaar
Year of release : 1982
Spoken by : Salim (Naseeruddin Shah)
Spoken to : Najma (Smita Patil)

Salim is a poet and a civilized man. He loves Najma, but is willing to wait for his turn. He tries to tell her that Akhtar (Bharat Kapoor) will never marry her, and she should take a decision in her life. But she lingers on to a false hope with Akhtar. But she does have a soft corner for Salim.

Salim calls her up one day and says

"tumse ek baar milnaa hai"
Najma: kab?
Salim : Jab tum chaaho.
Najma: ek hii baar kyo.n?

Then Salim with the subtlety and finesse of the poet that he is, slips in this gem. He says

"kaii baar ke liye ek baar zaroorii hai"
"कई बार के लिये एक बार ज़रूरी है"

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, eh!

gaaranTee? MaiN aapko paNkhaa bech rahaa hooN?

Film : A Wednesday
Year of release : 2008
Spoken by : Common Man (Naseeruddin Shah)
Spoken to : Prakash Rathod (Anupam Kher)

Naseer has asked for the four terrorists to be transported to an unused runway near Juhu Airbase. He has laid out his requirements very very clearly. Prakash asks him that what is the guarantee that he would defuse all bombs once the requests are complied with.

A very very disdainful tone comes into the Common Man's voice when he says

"gaaranTee? maiN aapko paNkhaa bech rahaa hooN?"

"गारंटी? मैं आपको पंखा बेच रहा हूं?"

Deen mein daaDhee hotee hai daaDhee mein deen nahee

Great line from Khuda Kay Liye (2008). Uttered by Maulaanaa Walee (Naseeruddin Shah), when he is testifying in a court case. Whenever a symbol grows in importance to such an extent that you end up missing the wood for the trees, you could use this line. I remember an example when my uncle did not count the number of Gaayatri chants that he did - while other members of my family used to keep one counter for tens, one for hundreds and one for thousand. I asked him why was he cheating and not counting. He said, it is important to remember god - not important to count. Many years later Naseer has caught the same thought with this line

दीन में दाढी होती है, दाढी में दीन नहीं

Dekh rahaa hoon aapkaa research kaafii extensive hai

Film : Iqbal
Year of release : 2005
Spoken by : Mohit (Naseeruddin Shah)
Spoken to : Satish Bhatavadekar (D Santosh)
Dialogue writer : Nagesh Kukunoor

A smart alec once said - there are three kinds of lies; lies, white lies and statistics. Since research leans so much on statistics, a lot many uncharitable things have been said about research as well. However, the dialogue featured here is a very unlikely kind of line that you would find in a Hindi commercial film. Now, under normal circumstances you would not associate such a line with Hindi films. But, you find god in the strangest kinds of places, places where you never would have looked. This line is from the 2005 Nagesh Kukunoor movie Iqbal.
The movie is about a deaf and mute young lad Iqbal Khan (played by Shreyas Talpade), who is a very talented fast bowler and wants to play for India. When he finally makes it to the Andhra Pradesh Ranji team and is sitting in the pavilion, he is accosted by a gentleman called Satish Bhatavadekar (played by D Santosh). Mr Bhatavadekar represents a sports management firm called Media Partners which specialises in promoting sportsmen. Mr Bhatavadekar sits right next to Iqbal, introduces himself and goes on to tell him that his firm believes in extensive research. They have been tracking Iqbal since the day he set foot on a cricket ground. After he has spoken for a while, Mohit Suri (Naseeruddin Shah) - Iqbal's coach intervenes - and tells him that Iqbal cannot hear or speak. Mr Bhatavadekar is shocked and says
"kyaa baat kar rahe hain aap"
to which Mohit responds with this great line
"Dekh rahaa hoon aapkaa research kaafii extensive hai"
देख रहा हूं आपका रीसर्च काफ़ी एक्स्टेंसिव् है
The obvious meaning of this line is that "I can see that your research is quite extensive". But metaphorically it can be used whenever anyone speaks as if he is very knowledgeable about something, though it is obvious that he does not know the first thing about it.